hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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