we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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