good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
