tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
