I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
