all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Couch. On fire.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
