Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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