god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
