i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
why do cheetos always look like penises
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
