Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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