I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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