We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
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i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
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Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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