my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
