Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
