I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
then he tried to convert me to islam
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
