so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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