like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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