More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
