mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You can't just leave with hair like that
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I need to calm my uterus...
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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