so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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