Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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