My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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