i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
And the cops told us we were all naked.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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