I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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