I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
