so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Randomize
