I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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