So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
