I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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