If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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