Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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