it's too hot outside to masturbate.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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