Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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