So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
