Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
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MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
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