Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
We had sex on a dog bed..
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
