what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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