I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
