yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
