When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
