Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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