This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
