Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
