youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
