I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
