I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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