I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
