how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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