I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize
