im drinking this country out of the recession.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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