Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
