he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
