just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
