i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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