stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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