She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
