did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
