I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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