Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
